Sharing your Kids with your Ex’s New Love

I’ve been through this process with many clients & it is not easy. First there is the jealousy that the new love may have something cool to offer your kids; like a swimming pool or they never seem to lose their temper. This is a very normal reaction because it’s hard to share your kids.divorce & kids, divorce and kids, divorce kids, divorce & children, children divorce

Because my kids are adopted I’ve been sharing my kids since they first arrived. Even though they’ve never met their birth parents I’ve never been one to pretend they don’t exist. The most important part of my life has always been shared & that reality matters for the well-being of my children.

When the family breaks up there is a new reality to endure that sharing your kids with people you don’t know will be part of the new deal.

I believe in the african proverb that “It takes a village to raise a child.” I believe it’s important for children to experience different ways of doing things & different rules. Experience teaches children a lot. They can learn to roll with things & be more flexible. These are ideas with which to soothe yourself.

It’s important to reassure yourself that your relationship will always be unique because of who you are. In all likelihood there will be things that the other person is better at than you. Balance this hard truth by knowing there will also be things that you will do best. Try to give up your own competitiveness because it’s not useful in this situation.

The first time your kid says the other person’s name with a positive enthusiasm will hit you like a small earthquake tremor. You must learn to live with knowing that it hurts your own heart; without demanding that they reassure you about loving you more. That’s your job, not theirs.

Transitions are part of every major change & adjusting to someone you don’t choose & have no control over is tough to be generous about. It’s good practice for being a future in law, which is another relationship you have no choices about.

The goal is acceptance. You have to learn to live with it. It’s an opportunity to add an element of grace to your life.


6 thoughts on “Sharing your Kids with your Ex’s New Love

  1. Felicia says:

    I agree with you, Rhoda! It can be very difficult for a parent to accept that their child may have something positive to say about their ex’s new boyfriend/girlfriend; however, it’s important for the parent to understand that just because they see this person in a positive light, it doesn’t mean the child will forget about them. This is certainly very important in my opinion. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinions!


  2. sexualtoppings says:

    I like this article. I am the “new love” in your scenario. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. Woo! The stories I could telllllll you!!! I can’t say how many times I wish my husband’s ex could have been taught or told what’s in your message. Thank you for the blog article!

  3. Michelle says:

    What if, in a prior separation, the dad threatened to kidnap your child and make “her” their mom? How can I ever trust that some kind of “brainwashing” won’t be going on this time? It is the same woman as before, so it is really threatening to me.

    • rhodasommer says:

      People say a lot of ugly things. I would meet with them & an attorney to see how you can protect yourself & your loved ones. This is very complicated & I don’t know enough about them to reach any conclusions. I believe if it’s safe kids need to respect & love both parents because that’s what is best for them. I don’t really believe there is only one good guy & one bad guy in most divorce situations. I believe both are good & bad. Not a fan of demonizing. Rhoda

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