The Victim is Often the Most Powerful Manipulator (Part 1 of 2 on Victims & Drama )

One of the ways The Karpman Drama Triangle works is that people switch around in all 3 roles. Often people favor one or two. Those who favor the victim role often demand “to be loved no matter what”; this internal myth can deeply fuel manipulation. No one over the age of 18 deserves to be loved no matter what.

Victims often expect others to prove they love them by drowning in their orchestrated crap. Pretending it’s not crap is proof of love… just keep swallowing it like the good codependent you are. Victims who insist on this are asking others to love them in an extreme way because they are avoiding figuring out how to love themselves. This is one way to manipulate; you do, what I won’t. YOU solve my insecurities for me!

Remember that opposite energies travel together. Victims do switch into the perpetrator role because unconsciously they feel emotionally safe because someone else is the victim. (This is how a history of sexual abuse is passed on to others.) It can feel empowering to be the perpetrator, however briefly. I found this to be true when I worked at a victim focused agency as director of the Incest Program.

I learned from a comment posted to a previous post on the drama triangle that Karpman originally had the victim on the bottom & it was Eric Berne of Transactional Analysis fame that suggested he flip the triangle because the victim had the most power.

The victim wants to be rescued and what is the best way of being rescued? Always having someone codependently agree with you. I don’t want to smoke pot but I will because you do. I don’t like that you interrupted my t.v. program and changed the channel to watch a dumb movie but I’ll act like it’s ok. Agree, agree, agree even if it feels yucky to me. I go along & swallow my true feelings, then YOU are happy.

If you dare to disagree then you are perceived as the persecutor. There are only two options to the victim in charge; you are either with me or against me. Any relationship without disagreement means there is a power imbalance.

Disagreement is crucial to equality. There are buckets of relationships where one person caters to another. Catering too much crosses the line into enabling & codependence. This can then evolve into erasing yourself & not recognizing that you are emotionally masochistic… being ground down beneath someone’s heel.

The excitement of the drama makes it all appear worth it to too many! It really is better to be alone than to be used……. relationship drama, insecurities in a relationship, disagreement, the victim, victims, manipulation relationships, manipulating, manipulator, manipulated, victim and perpetrator

6 thoughts on “The Victim is Often the Most Powerful Manipulator (Part 1 of 2 on Victims & Drama )

  1. jameslysirius says:

    This enabling/codependency perfectly describes an 8 year friendship that I had a couple of years ago. It took a lot of work healing from it, especially since I didn’t even realize it was a toxic friendship until the end.

    Your blog has excellent insight. Thank you for posting.

  2. Brian C says:

    I went out with Katy for 6 months. In all that time we never saw a movie I wanted, rarely ate at a restaurant I preferred, and it was assumed by her that I’d just automatically be flying all over the country with her this year to accompany her to 3 weddings she’d been invited to. I DID swallow my feelings and desires because I felt that these were little things that a man does to keep his partner happy. But over time I started to disagree with her and started to put my foot down in regards to what I wanted to do. When I told her that I would rather not go to a X-Mas party with her she broke up with me. I have to look at what I did in hindsight that led to this outcome of our relationship. I consider myself an easy going guy (and others do as well), but I can see how being amenable to your partner 90 percent of the time can lead to issues and eventual damage to a relationship. Thank you for writing this article. It’s given me a lot to think about.

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