Shame, Self-Hatred & Self Destructiveness; Obstacles to Change

self hatred, self confidence, confidence, self respect, low self esteem, shame, healing shame, self destruction, self destruct, self destructive
Shame, self-hatred & self destruction are often all intertwined. These three make the road to change an obstacle course. This is a triangle of defeat & can stop growth in its tracks. It’s a trap that absorbs all of someones energy and it’s hard to crawl out of…..

The real danger is that all three can lead to a Niagara Falls of bad choices that simply confirm that these terrible feelings are accurate. This is the triangle of Hell: the three spin round & round & round & round with no hope in sight.

Unfortunately over the years, this constantly disappointing dark horrible place becomes the most comforting solid reality that can be grasped. It becomes a truth whether or not there is any evidence.

Shame is a spiral of quicksand that can be suffocating. You have to find the courage to swallow the shame & to be determined to persevere because we all have things to be ashamed of…..it’s part of being human. The point of shame is to pinch you to not REPEAT your bad choices.

Self-hatred is the fuel for addictions & eating disorders. The key is to accept that both the good & the bad reside within. Self hatred means you believe that the bad erases the good. Ultimately this is a dead-end, because we all have dark sides that we must learn to embrace. All we can do is work at making our bad part smaller every decade.

Self destruction is a pattern of wanting to erase yourself….a belief that you don’t deserve to take up space on the planet. Self destruction can be found in those who tell obvious lies or in the profound satisfaction of having power by doing crazy things. Self destruction is the piling on of bad choices that are scary to those that care about you far more than you care about yourself.

What are the opposites of these three??? It’s the opposites that provide the clues for healing…

The opposite of shame is acceptance (which is one of the reasons AA is so successful). No one who is honest dies without regrets. Allow shame to pinch you enough to not repeat your mistakes; that’s really all you can do. Accept the mistakes of the past & get determined to get on track.

The opposite of self-hatred is understanding that we are all good & bad. Own your dark side as a part of you. Learn to let the bad sit quietly next to the good instead of the more typical bad erasing the good.

The opposite of self destructiveness is making life enhancing choices instead of choices that are a pattern of little deaths. So instead of hiding in your room depressed try the small step of taking a walk every day.

All 3 of these are difficult demons to battle because they are deeply held core beliefs. They can only be changed in small steps…….and there is no doubt that small steps layer over time to create success, if you want to fight for real change.

Self confidence can only come from accomplishments. Accomplishments can only come from taking risks & making mistakes.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Shame, Self-Hatred & Self Destructiveness; Obstacles to Change

  1. the audacious amateur blogger says:

    “only those who dare to fall greatly can ever achieve greatly” RFK – I found this quote and amazing accompanying photo and used it for a recent post I wrote about how to change yourself for the better.

    I am a victim of self destruction. A repeat offender. I think you have both found acceptance and the answer to get out of this cycle. I wish you luck! Glad to know there are people out there going through these kinda things too 🙂

  2. Kayla says:

    It’s amazing how relevant your posts always are 🙂 I’ll be sharing this with a client who’s stuck in shame over a recent relapse. Thanks, always, Rhoda. You do amazing work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s